


why do we only have one sofa

by orphan_account



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Fluff, idk what else to tag, it’s fun, they all want the couch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 12:14:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18343490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: for various individual reasons, all of the hargreeves siblings want to sleep on the sofa. theres a problem. there’s only one sofa in the entire houseso who gets the sofa?





	why do we only have one sofa

**Author's Note:**

> is there probably more than one sofa in the actual show? almost definitely. do i give a shit? no

“One man, seven children, a chimpanzee, and an android,” Five says, dragging a hand over his face. “And this house only has one fucking sofa?”

All six Hargreeves children stand surrounding the leather sofa. They eye each other with suspicion. Allison and Vanya are both in their pajamas, Vanya in an XXL flannel set and Allison a white nightgown. Allison is wearing a green face mask that spreads down to her chest and back. Klaus has a fluffy pink sleep mask, another one of Allison’s things that he’s ‘borrowed’. Diego has switched to a black t-shirt with the same leather pants, and no one is sure whether he counts that as sleepwear or not. 

“There’s no discussion,” Luther says. “I can’t fit comfortably in my bed anymore and it barely supports my weight. I’ve been sleeping here all week. It’s mine by default.”

“No, you haven’t,” Klaus says, confused. “I sleep on the couch whenever Ben’s pissing me off so he has to sleep on the floor. I know for a fact that I don’t fall asleep on top of you.”

“Oh, right. I put you on the floor and before you wake up in the morning, I put you back on the sofa.”

“What the hell? Okay, now I want the couch so I can annoy both you and Ben!”

“Read the room, you’ll piss everyone off,” Diego snaps. Klaus, if anything, seems more determined to take the sofa at that comment. “It’s mine. I have an early shift tomorrow, and if I sleep in an actual bed there’s no way I’m getting up before 9 o’clock.”

“Shift? At what job?” Allison massages the mask deeper into her skin. “My skincare specialist told me I can’t put this lotion against anything absorbent like cotton. I’ve been sleeping on the floor all week! I deserve a break.”

“Well, Dolores and I got in a fight and she told me to specifically sleep on the couch.” Allison opens her mouth, but Five shakes his head. “And I can’t sleep in one of the other 42 beds. She’ll know.”

“And what’s your grand excuse?” Diego folds his arms and turns to Vanya. “We’ve heard everyone else’s.”

“I gave Pogo my bedroom when I first moved out because he wanted to be able to sleep somewhere he could be reminded of all of us, and I never thought I’d use it again,” Vanya says. “That’s why I always went back to my apartment, but they’re fumigating it tonight.”

“That’s so sweet, Vanya. You really gave Pogo your bedroom?” Allison puts a hand over her heart. Gently, so as not to disturb the lotion. 

Vanya shrugs. “I don’t like the other bedrooms. They’re so empty and sad.”

“Not totally empty,” Klaus says. “I hid drug stashes in them all the time when I was a kid.” He pauses for a moment, then rolls his eyes and turns to the air next to him. “Well, duh, I know that’s even more of a reason not to sleep in one of them!”

“Let’s get an impartial judge,” says Diego. “Explain the situation, let them make the decision. Mom!”

“Grace isn’t impartial!” Five smacks Diego’s hand. “Actually, she is, in a bad way. There’s no way she’s going to choose between her children.”

“Please,” Allison begs. “The floor is so hard. I only need this mask for one more night and I can’t spend it on the floor again. People walk there!”

“Pogo could decide.” Vanya suggests. 

“Are you kidding? Try choosing between the five assholes who abandoned you with a crazy old man and the one guy who didn’t, plus is half monkey! The sofa is as good as Luther’s if you bring him into this!” Diego throws a knife in frustration. It lands below the portrait of Five. 

“Boo. Hit me next time,” Five says. 

“I am not half monkey! It is a gorilla body! That’s an ape!” Luther yells back. 

“He has dysphoria, Diego!” Klaus links arms with Luther. Diego stares at him. 

“I can’t believe you’d bring that up!” Allison agrees, taking his other arm. Diego, Five, Vanya, and Luther can at least be sure that she’s being genuine. Klaus, who knows. Luther looks touched that they both stood up for him, though he shakes Klaus off as fast as possible. Klaus latches on again without a moment’s hesitation, this time just to annoy Luther. 

“Well, I’m a 58 year old assassin in a 13 year old child’s body, and you all get no shortage of jokes about my dysphoria,” Five says. 

“Ha. Shortage. You’re short,” says Klaus. 

“Eat shit. Look, we’re getting nowhere. Let’s try a good old fashioned priority list. I write down our reasons, and we vote on which is the best one.”

There is a general chorus of agreement.  
Five teleports away, then returns moments later holding a pen and paper. 

“I will break my bed if I sleep in it.”

“Gotta get to work early.”

“I have a very important skincare routine and I’ve slept on the floor all week.”

“I wanna piss off Luther and Ben. Oh, and I have secret drug stashes in my room and the spare bedrooms! I wouldn’t trust me in there.”

“Dolores kicked me out.”

“Pogo has my room and the apartment is being fumigated.”

The six stand around, considering their answers. After a few minutes, Klaus raises his hand. 

“What?” Five asks. 

“Luther got pegged in his bed. He’s so not gonna break it just by lying there.”

“Hey, that’s true,” Allison says. “Luther is officially out.”

“No!” Luther grabs Five’s hand before he can scratch out Luther’s name. “Fine, it’s just, I like leather. And I’m sick of my room. I spent 26 years sleeping there instead of experiencing the real world, and then I lost my virginity to a furry while I was high. I don’t have good memories there, okay?”

“Aww, you’re opening up!” Klaus pats Luther’s arm. “I changed my mind. I’m willing to compromise by sleeping on top of Luther, ‘cause apparently he’s a big softie.”

“I am not comfortable with that compromise,” Luther informs Five. 

“Oh my god, since I’m obviously the only one who has critical thinking skills, I’ll start making actual choices, okay?” Five points to Diego, Luther, and Klaus. “Diego, sleep on the rug in front of the front door, that’s the fastest way to leave the house. Luther, sleep in a spare bedroom and go without leather. Klaus, sleep on the floor or take Grace into a spare bedroom with you to keep you away from the drugs.” He points to Allison and Vanya. “You two, sleep in the same room on the floor, like a sleepover. Vanya feels less lonely and Allison gets that sister bonding she craves.”

Allison claps her hands in glee. “That’s actually a really good plan, Five!”

“It would be fun,” Vanya agrees, glancing at Allison. Allison wraps her arms around Vanya’s shoulders. 

“It’d be fastest to sleep in front of the door,” Diego muses, as though he’d thought of it himself. “I don’t want the sofa anymore.”

“I could personalize one of those rooms. It’d at least be more comfortable,” Luther mutters. “Good idea.”

“Okay, hold up! Are you all deaf? He’s taking the couch!” Klaus walks over to Five and leans an elbow on his head. 

Five slaps it away with a huff. “Dolores—“

“I don’t care! I bet Dolores would be just as happy to hear you slept on the floor.”

Five scowls. It’s true. “Fine. You got me.”

“But his ideas were good,” says Allison. “I’d rather have a slumber party with Vanya than sleep alone on the sofa.” Luther, Diego, and Vanya nod their agreement.

Five turns to Klaus with a confident grin. “Just you and me now.”

“And Ben. Who needs the couch because he hates sharing the same bed as me every night.”

“So you’re going to sleep on the floor and give Ben the sofa?”

“No, I— okay, fine, it was a bluff! There’s no way Ben gets the couch,”

“So what was wrong with my plan? Grace might not be able to beat up intruders anymore, but she can definitely restrain you.”

“First of all, don’t say that like it’s so easy.” Klaus strides over to the sofa and sits down. A challenge. “Besides, why can’t you sleep on the ground? I bet Dolores would be even more satisfied than if you got the couch.”

“I’m not trying to satisfy her, we’re in a fight!” Five sits at the opposite end of Klaus. “Just take the goddamned floor, Klaus.”

“Or~” Allison interrupts, in a singsong tone that Five doesn’t trust. “I have an amazing sibling bonding idea!”

“I don’t like where this is going,” says Five. “What is it?”

“Share the sofa,” she says. Vanya tries and fails to hide a snort. Diego doesn’t even try. 

“No. Absolutely not.” Five crosses his arms. “You and Vanya are the ones having the slumber party, remember?”

“You wouldn’t have a slumber party with me?” Klaus whines. 

“No, because I am an adult man.”

“It’s the only option. This or the floor.”

“This should be an easier decision,” Five says, but he relents after a few minutes. “Fine. I’ll share the sofa. But it is not a slumber party!”

“Whoo hoo! Screw you, Ben!” Klaus flips over to lie on his back, head landing in Five’s lap. 

Five scowls at him. “If you try to cuddle with me, I will give you third degree burns across your entire body.”

“Why are you so mad at Ben? I liked Ben.” Vanya rubs her eyes, tired. 

“He keeps lecturing me, even though I’ve been sober for almost a week. He says weed is a drug.” Klaus turns his head to an empty spot a few feet away. “Like, no one’s died of a weed overdose! There’s no such thing as a weed addict! God, get over yourself.”

“Oh, Klaus is right about that one, actually.” Vanya says. 

“You still shouldn’t be a dick. Ben’s just trying to keep you clean. He’s worried about you.” Diego says. 

Klaus groans and rolls off of Five and onto the carpet in a heap. “But he’s being a dick about it! I’m really trying, and I respond to positive feedback, not deconstructive criticism!” He whips his head around to the same spot. “I already freakin’ told you, weed doesn’t count!”

“I mean, baby steps, you know?” Vanya offers. “Weed’s not the worst thing he could do.”

“See, she gets it.”

“Vanya, are you…are you a stoner?” Allison asks. 

“No! I just sometimes take the edge off. Going off my pills didn’t erase my anxiety, and I’m not ready to try different pills yet.”

Allison taps her chin. “Do you have any with you?”

“Yeah.” Vanya shoots Allison a worried look. “You don’t wanna call off our—“

“Now that’s a slumber party!” Allison grins and grabs Vanya’s hand, pulling her in the direction of her room. 

“I should go too. I’ve got important police work in the morning, you know. Professional stuff. Better get some shut eye. Night.” Diego leaves for the door. Luther gives an awkward nod and walks towards the spare bedrooms. 

Five looks down at Klaus. “I’m not getting rid of you, am I?”

Klaus pulls himself back up on the sofa. “No way, José. You wouldn’t mind grabbing some blankets?”

Five is back with two fleece comforters before Klaus can finish his sentence. “Better?”

“Perfect. You don’t wanna change into pajamas?”

That warp takes longer. Klaus uses the opportunity to tuck the blankets into the sides of the sofa so they won’t slip off in the middle of the night. He rubs his eye, and it comes off smudged with eyeliner. “Yeah, I know I should take it off,” he says to thin air. Klaus doesn’t have the nerve or motivation to interrupt Allison’s girls’ night by asking for makeup remover, though, so he just rubs his face against his top. It’s effective enough. 

Five warps back, changed into the standard black pajamas from their Academy days. The jump has left him even more tired than before, and he doesn’t bother with any preambles before climbing straight onto the couch and burrowing beneath the covers. Klaus smiles and climbs in next to him. 

The next morning, Luther wakes up and looks around the spare bedroom. It’s a lot bigger than it seemed last night. Taller ceilings. He brushes it off and starts to get out of bed, then realizes. He broke it. Of course he did. It’s a twin sized bed made for a superpowered child, not for a bulky adult male with a gorilla torso. That tiny asshole should’ve given him the sofa after all. 

At 6:30, before even Luther is awake, Diego’s alarm goes off. His police radio is silent, but he runs out the door at the speed of light. He may have lied about having police work, but it’s still very important. He returns an hour later with three new dresses, wraps them up neatly, and presents them to Grace. She’s overjoyed. Diego takes her to brunch, then signs them up for a mother-son salsa class, then bowling, then ice cream. She can’t eat the brunch or dessert, but Diego knows she’s just as happy with their day as he is. 

Ben doesn’t sleep. He’s not going to give Klaus the satisfaction of having him sleep on the ground. Instead, he practices picking things up. He’s able to lift an empty whiskey bottle twice and considers smashing it onto a table to wake up Klaus and impress him with his new skill, but decides against it. Next time he and Klaus are arguing, he’ll pull out that trick. That’ll show him. 

Allison and Vanya don’t sleep at all that night. High and giggling, they exchange secrets, gossip, and advice. At 1 AM, they sneak out of their room. They snap a couple polaroids of Five spooning Klaus, then creep over the snoring Diego and run to Griddy’s Doughnuts, both having forgotten it was closed. Starting to feel the munchies with true urgency, they rush back to their own kitchen. Vanya makes what seemed like endless fluffernutter sandwiches. Allison loses count after 16. They eat every last one and finally fall asleep at 7 o’clock AM. 

Five wakes up minutes after the girls fall asleep. He realizes he’d been cuddling with Klaus, and with disgust, clambers away and out of the makeshift bed. He teleports back to his room to change and greet Dolores. She makes even more fun of him for snuggling with Klaus than if he’d slept on the ground, but she’s amused enough to forget their fight. Really, that’s all Five wants. 

Klaus wakes up at ten in the morning to an entire couch to himself. He enjoys the feeling for exactly seven minutes, then, lonely, yells for Five. To his credit, Five comes back. Klaus pats the empty part of the sofa next to him and holds his arms out for a hug. Five groans, but complies.

“Fine. Just don’t tell Dolores, she laughed at me enough this morning.” Five slips back under the covers with Klaus. He doesn’t hold Klaus this time, but being near each other is enough for them both. Five drifts back into unconsciousness after a few minutes. Even the coffee he drank earlier is no match for the warm, fluffy blankets and the rare peace in the house. He wakes up three hours later to the sun shining in his eyes and yells at Klaus for not making him get up, or at least letting him rest by himself. Klaus points out that there’s no way he could’ve moved from the sofa, since Five immediately clutched onto him once he fell asleep. Apparently, it’s adorable. Five resolves to never get in the same bed as anyone but Dolores ever again. 

All in all, it’s a good night.

**Author's Note:**

> thx for reading! leave a comment or kudos please!


End file.
